when she grew up

she loved to fantasise about how she would be when she grew up. what was exactly the point when she would be “grown up” she didnt know, but it seemed like an alluring point to reach. when she could leave behind the problems that dogged her and become a strong, independant female – someone who was beautiful, like that the tall girl she saw at the bakery the other day…someone who could walk up with that confident stride that would make people turn and give her a second look, not the shy awkward girl she was now. she would live in a beautiful house, with an attic all her own where she would paint. the attic would have a full-glass window at one end, from which one could gaze out on the countryside or the sea. she would dress beautifully everyday, be the most charming hostess anyone had ever seen and be the best at everything there was. and then one day, she would sit on a beautiful dark-wood rocking chair in an emerald-green sari whose pallu would be draped elegantly over the armrest, with an expression that would arrest even the most prolific of painters. poised deep in thought, she would remember the girl she had been and the dream she had had. and she would smile – and she would wish that she could visit that little girl in a dream and kiss her forehead and say, “dont worry, everthing will turn out just fine. you will turn out just fine.”

she sits at her laptop smiling at the memory and the dream. for some reason, the vivid image of her as a grown woman in that emerald-green sari seems…well…ironic. for her preferred apparel of shorts and t-shirt seems so plebian in contrast to her grandiose vision. and as for the huge house that would have held swanky parties, she prefers her cosy little appartment and the close friends’ nights that involve movies and icecream. and she smiles at the naive expectations of the little girl that she once was. for as life has gone on and she has truly grown up, she has learnt that it is so much more than what she once thought it was…and she wants to back in time to kiss the little girl on her forehead and tell her, “everything is perfect, you are perfect, right now.”

looking for my home

they say home is where the heart is. and a place that my heart belongs to is something i am yet to find. having lived away from my hometown for many years now, and adopting another country as my homestay, i sometimes feel that i dont know where my allegiances lie. coming to the place of my birth has its own charm – listening to the local chatter, exploring the huge new stores and little hole-in-the-wall shops, seeing folks who have known me since my birth. it has a touch of nostalgia, a feeling of slipping into a world that is far removed from the daily routines of a life i have left behind for a short period. but going back to the place in which i live is something i look forward to as well – the familiar skylines, the feeling of stepping back into my appartment, meeting up with a close friend and getting updated with week-old news. it is a place in which i have freedom beyond social restrictions, where i have friends with whom there is no need to take up where we left off, where life flows in a smooth rythm.

so where does my home truly lie? which one claims my loyalty and which one my love? but then again, shouldn’t both be addressed to one? and if so, which one would that be? and this is where life sometimes has a way a making of shifting the angle of the lens through which we view life. for while the sights may have been crystal clear upto a point, they may sometimes appear blurred, forcing us to take a closer look – and making us realise that deeper shifts have taken place with us.

that moment in time

there are some moments in time we will always remember – they can be happy or sad, fulfilling or disappointing, a time when wishes are granted or even taken away. but for me, a time has come now that i cant place in any of those categories – it encompasses all angles of the spectrum, and seems to have brought my life thus far in a complete circle. from one point all the way round to end – but only life is like one of those spirals, so one circle does not end but instead leads into another. so here i am at the start of a new phase.

in the past, i always conjured my own versions of new starts – with moving to a new neighbourhood or to a new country, with me buying my own house, with marriage, with career appointments that were congratulatory in their very nature. and time and experience have shown me that this is not always so. that new beginnings lie within us. it is that point when we decide to tie up loose ends and move on, when we decide that we are going to make something more of life from this point on, when we look back and smile and then forge ahead. when we make a pitstop and start again on our journey, shedding the tiredness of the days gone by and resolving to carry forth with all we have.

and didn’t someone say that when the journey is complete, we find that we have travelled from ourself to our self. so, maybe the biggest breaks and most profound beginnings do not lie with the life we live, they lie within.